Growing Pains--and Gains

I think we can grow all the time.
But it's true that we grow more when we are challenged...

 

I’m back again with several pieces of happy news. First, I’m happy to report that my mood is much better than it was two months ago, when I last wrote a blog post. Among other things, I have a new job, which I will tell about below. I also have photos to share from my latest art adventure.

But first, a PS to my last post about having to leave my teaching job. (I will not blog about this forever, but it is still fresh and there are both sad and happy updates). Thanks for your kind messages after my last post. They help.

If you did not see my last post, I had to leave my teaching job of seven years because my former boss changed the hours to include after-school art for the kids staying late. He would not let me keep my regular teaching schedule if I could not do afternoons, so I reluctantly made the decision to leave.

One piece of good news is that I got to see my former students in September. I was not planning to go to school because I felt too raw. But my former boss wouldn’t send my goodbye email to the kids, after promising he would. At first, he agreed that a teacher should not vanish without explanation, but weeks passed with no email.

In July, I wrote my letter to the kids and attached it to an email to the boss to send before school started, but weeks passed. I sent a second email to him, asking about my letter. He replied and said he would send it. More time passed so I sent a third, polite reminder email. No response. Another week passed and I sent my fourth email on this subject, saying, “If you have changed your mind about sending this, please let me know.” No response.

Finally, I texted the former boss that I planned to visit school two days later to say goodbye to the kids, since he had not sent my letter. He replied, discouraging me from visiting. I said that I’d waited five weeks for him to email the kids, that I felt brushed off and that the kids and I needed closure. When I arrived, again he attempted to dissuade me from visiting the kids, saying, “It’s best not to stir things up.” I said I disagreed, had been invited by the teachers, and that the kids and I needed closure. He accepted it.

Even before I reached the first classroom, I was swarmed by kids hugging me. My tears soon started, and I told the kids how good it was to see them. I visited each classroom, telling the kids that I never wanted to leave but that the new duties included afternoon hours I could not do. I encouraged them to be good listeners for their new teacher. They didn’t have to choose—they could like us both.

I hugged or first bumped more than three hundred of my former students (they chose which). Most wanted hugs. The third grade and fifth grade made me cards, knowing that I was visiting. After I’d visited half the classrooms, I learned that the new art teacher was not teaching after-school art, after all. Not many parents signed up kids for the after-school homework and art classes. Furthermore, the new art teacher could not come for after-school art lessons. He now teaches at two schools, and his first school would not allow the after-school hours at the second school. This supposedly came to light after he’d signed our school’s contract.

I felt outraged that I’d been forced to choose, then ignored and kept in the dark. After visiting the classrooms, I marched into the boss’ office and said that I’d heard about the lack of art classes in the afternoon. I suspect he wanted the teachers and kids to think leaving was my idea. I felt disrespected and badly treated. I stood up for myself, which has always been hard for me. Next, I went next door and spoke to the pastor about the shabby treatment. The pastor comforted me, saying he would talk to the principal about answering emails and showing more respect. I felt both heartbroken and vindicated.

Here are a few photos of letters and cards from my 3rd and 5th grade students. I love those kids. 

A third-grader's portrait of me. Colorful and smiling.
I'm honored!

Clearly a portrait of me. I do love red and polka dots!

Thanks for hanging in there with this long story. I felt it was necessary to follow up to my last blog post, since I was able to visit the kids and get closure. My heart truly felt like it could burst with happiness when those kids shrieked my name and ran to me. Goodbyes are necessary, but so hard. The healing (although slow) has begun.  

Another piece of good news is that I recently began working at a local preschool. 

The hours, location and overall feel of the place feel like an excellent fit for me. These new kids will not replace my bond with my old students, but my heart feels like it’s healing. The little ones are so open and it’s easy to form a bond with them. I mostly work with three-year-olds, but also help with four- and two-year-olds. I still dream a lot about the school where I used to teach. The dreams are confusing, but I know my heart is healing. In support of my new teaching job, I’m taking another Child Development class online. It’s a lot of work but interesting and I’m learning quite a bit. Good to keep the brain active, right?

A couple of weeks ago I substituted for the four-year-old’s teacher, and we did a Halloween art project. Here are the vampires they made. Cute, right? I will be doing more art with the kids, starting in the new year. 

I’m also trying to step out of my comfort zone, to try new things, to grow.

On October 19 and 20, I participated in Bella Vita, an art festival in Little Italy in San Diego. Thirty artists each did an eight-foot by eight-foot chalk drawing on pavement, all with Italian themes. The art was temporary—kept only for two days, but that’s okay. It was about appreciating something in that moment. My scene depicts an Italian street with colorful buildings, and a vintage Vespa scooter in the foreground. I spoke with so many people that weekend, and it felt great to connect with people around art. Lots of people had fond memories of riding a vintage Vespa or of travels in Italy. One man said he wanted to jump right into my scene and ride off on an adventure. What a compliment!

Back in July, I emailed the festival’s organizer and asked to sign up to do a chalk drawing. I’ve never done a big chalk drawing on pavement. So why start in such a public way? It’s ironic, but on the heels of my job loss pain, I suddenly felt drawn to challenges I previously would have avoided. My comfort zone of teaching did not protect me from loss and hurt. So, I decided that I was not going to limit myself by doing only things I knew I’d be good at. I wasn’t going to let anxiety or perfectionism win.

It’s freeing to realize I will survive the hurt if I fail. But I’m happy to report that I was pleased with my first attempt at a big chalk drawing. Some of the other artists were a lot more experienced with chalk, but I decided I would not be intimidated—I’d use the opportunity to learn from them, and I did. 

Here are some photos from Bella Vita. Please pardon the shadows. It's hard to take a great photo of something on the ground but I did my best. Thank you to the friends who stopped by to say hi and to the fun new people I met that weekend.

Oh, the '60s Vespas...always a favorite subject for me...

This willingness to try new things partly is due to an interesting book I read this year. The book is Brave, not Perfect, by Reshma Saujani. The author writes about her former fear of failure, and how a huge percentage of girls and women fear failure so much that we don’t even try certain activities. She encourages people to do new things imperfectly because you gain something invaluable from trying, regardless of the outcoming. I’m tired of letting my fears win or limit me. I am sad that I spent decades not trying things because I feared failing or not looking good while I did something. I cringe even writing that but it’s the truth. I’m ready to try more things. Ready to stumble or even fail. Ready to grow.

This is truly a season of change for me. It’s my first time working at preschool, and I learn new things every day. There are similarities with teaching K-8^th grade kids, and differences, too. I hadn’t planned to start a new chapter this year, but that is how things happened. They say it’s not about controlling what happens in life, which is impossible. It’s how you respond to the unexpected. Can you pivot? Yes, you can. It’s an important reminder for those of us who sometimes feel afraid of new challenges. Will it be scary at times? Yes. But you are so much stronger than you think you are, and it feels good to stretch and grow.

On that note, I want to close with a thought on thankfulness because we are officially in Thanksgiving season. I am thankful I got through my rough summer and found another job where I feel appreciated. I am grateful for my family and friends, who have given me extra support these last few months. We have a lot to appreciate in America, imperfect as it is, and I am thankful for our many freedoms.

Thank you so much for reading. It’s been a hard few months for me, but it helps to share my story, and your support comforts. I will return soon with more adventures in art. Until then, be safe and shine on!