Growing Pains--and Gains

I think we can grow all the time.
But it's true that we grow more when we are challenged...

 

I’m back again with several pieces of happy news. First, I’m happy to report that my mood is much better than it was two months ago, when I last wrote a blog post. Among other things, I have a new job, which I will tell about below. I also have photos to share from my latest art adventure.

But first, a PS to my last post about having to leave my teaching job. (I will not blog about this forever, but it is still fresh and there are both sad and happy updates). Thanks for your kind messages after my last post. They help.

If you did not see my last post, I had to leave my teaching job of seven years because my former boss changed the hours to include after-school art for the kids staying late. He would not let me keep my regular teaching schedule if I could not do afternoons, so I reluctantly made the decision to leave.

One piece of good news is that I got to see my former students in September. I was not planning to go to school because I felt too raw. But my former boss wouldn’t send my goodbye email to the kids, after promising he would. At first, he agreed that a teacher should not vanish without explanation, but weeks passed with no email.

In July, I wrote my letter to the kids and attached it to an email to the boss to send before school started, but weeks passed. I sent a second email to him, asking about my letter. He replied and said he would send it. More time passed so I sent a third, polite reminder email. No response. Another week passed and I sent my fourth email on this subject, saying, “If you have changed your mind about sending this, please let me know.” No response.

Finally, I texted the former boss that I planned to visit school two days later to say goodbye to the kids, since he had not sent my letter. He replied, discouraging me from visiting. I said that I’d waited five weeks for him to email the kids, that I felt brushed off and that the kids and I needed closure. When I arrived, again he attempted to dissuade me from visiting the kids, saying, “It’s best not to stir things up.” I said I disagreed, had been invited by the teachers, and that the kids and I needed closure. He accepted it.

Even before I reached the first classroom, I was swarmed by kids hugging me. My tears soon started, and I told the kids how good it was to see them. I visited each classroom, telling the kids that I never wanted to leave but that the new duties included afternoon hours I could not do. I encouraged them to be good listeners for their new teacher. They didn’t have to choose—they could like us both.

I hugged or first bumped more than three hundred of my former students (they chose which). Most wanted hugs. The third grade and fifth grade made me cards, knowing that I was visiting. After I’d visited half the classrooms, I learned that the new art teacher was not teaching after-school art, after all. Not many parents signed up kids for the after-school homework and art classes. Furthermore, the new art teacher could not come for after-school art lessons. He now teaches at two schools, and his first school would not allow the after-school hours at the second school. This supposedly came to light after he’d signed our school’s contract.

I felt outraged that I’d been forced to choose, then ignored and kept in the dark. After visiting the classrooms, I marched into the boss’ office and said that I’d heard about the lack of art classes in the afternoon. I suspect he wanted the teachers and kids to think leaving was my idea. I felt disrespected and badly treated. I stood up for myself, which has always been hard for me. Next, I went next door and spoke to the pastor about the shabby treatment. The pastor comforted me, saying he would talk to the principal about answering emails and showing more respect. I felt both heartbroken and vindicated.

Here are a few photos of letters and cards from my 3rd and 5th grade students. I love those kids. 

A third-grader's portrait of me. Colorful and smiling.
I'm honored!

Clearly a portrait of me. I do love red and polka dots!

Thanks for hanging in there with this long story. I felt it was necessary to follow up to my last blog post, since I was able to visit the kids and get closure. My heart truly felt like it could burst with happiness when those kids shrieked my name and ran to me. Goodbyes are necessary, but so hard. The healing (although slow) has begun.  

Another piece of good news is that I recently began working at a local preschool. 

The hours, location and overall feel of the place feel like an excellent fit for me. These new kids will not replace my bond with my old students, but my heart feels like it’s healing. The little ones are so open and it’s easy to form a bond with them. I mostly work with three-year-olds, but also help with four- and two-year-olds. I still dream a lot about the school where I used to teach. The dreams are confusing, but I know my heart is healing. In support of my new teaching job, I’m taking another Child Development class online. It’s a lot of work but interesting and I’m learning quite a bit. Good to keep the brain active, right?

A couple of weeks ago I substituted for the four-year-old’s teacher, and we did a Halloween art project. Here are the vampires they made. Cute, right? I will be doing more art with the kids, starting in the new year. 

I’m also trying to step out of my comfort zone, to try new things, to grow.

On October 19 and 20, I participated in Bella Vita, an art festival in Little Italy in San Diego. Thirty artists each did an eight-foot by eight-foot chalk drawing on pavement, all with Italian themes. The art was temporary—kept only for two days, but that’s okay. It was about appreciating something in that moment. My scene depicts an Italian street with colorful buildings, and a vintage Vespa scooter in the foreground. I spoke with so many people that weekend, and it felt great to connect with people around art. Lots of people had fond memories of riding a vintage Vespa or of travels in Italy. One man said he wanted to jump right into my scene and ride off on an adventure. What a compliment!

Back in July, I emailed the festival’s organizer and asked to sign up to do a chalk drawing. I’ve never done a big chalk drawing on pavement. So why start in such a public way? It’s ironic, but on the heels of my job loss pain, I suddenly felt drawn to challenges I previously would have avoided. My comfort zone of teaching did not protect me from loss and hurt. So, I decided that I was not going to limit myself by doing only things I knew I’d be good at. I wasn’t going to let anxiety or perfectionism win.

It’s freeing to realize I will survive the hurt if I fail. But I’m happy to report that I was pleased with my first attempt at a big chalk drawing. Some of the other artists were a lot more experienced with chalk, but I decided I would not be intimidated—I’d use the opportunity to learn from them, and I did. 

Here are some photos from Bella Vita. Please pardon the shadows. It's hard to take a great photo of something on the ground but I did my best. Thank you to the friends who stopped by to say hi and to the fun new people I met that weekend.

Oh, the '60s Vespas...always a favorite subject for me...

This willingness to try new things partly is due to an interesting book I read this year. The book is Brave, not Perfect, by Reshma Saujani. The author writes about her former fear of failure, and how a huge percentage of girls and women fear failure so much that we don’t even try certain activities. She encourages people to do new things imperfectly because you gain something invaluable from trying, regardless of the outcoming. I’m tired of letting my fears win or limit me. I am sad that I spent decades not trying things because I feared failing or not looking good while I did something. I cringe even writing that but it’s the truth. I’m ready to try more things. Ready to stumble or even fail. Ready to grow.

This is truly a season of change for me. It’s my first time working at preschool, and I learn new things every day. There are similarities with teaching K-8^th grade kids, and differences, too. I hadn’t planned to start a new chapter this year, but that is how things happened. They say it’s not about controlling what happens in life, which is impossible. It’s how you respond to the unexpected. Can you pivot? Yes, you can. It’s an important reminder for those of us who sometimes feel afraid of new challenges. Will it be scary at times? Yes. But you are so much stronger than you think you are, and it feels good to stretch and grow.

On that note, I want to close with a thought on thankfulness because we are officially in Thanksgiving season. I am thankful I got through my rough summer and found another job where I feel appreciated. I am grateful for my family and friends, who have given me extra support these last few months. We have a lot to appreciate in America, imperfect as it is, and I am thankful for our many freedoms.

Thank you so much for reading. It’s been a hard few months for me, but it helps to share my story, and your support comforts. I will return soon with more adventures in art. Until then, be safe and shine on!

 

Transitions

 

New pink erasers. The smell of crayons. Full bottles of Elmers glue. Yes, school is in again. This fall, however, is different from the others. I am not gearing up to teach art to kids, as I have every fall for the last seven years. I wanted to explain, because my blog has included a lot of kids’ art over the years.

I had no plans to stop teaching art at the private school where I taught part-time for seven years. Teaching became part of my identity, and I loved watching my students discover their creative sides.

In July, my boss told me that he needed someone to run a new art program during after-care at school. It would be for two hours each day, after school. He did not want to hire someone else to do afternoons, while I kept my Wednesday teaching schedule. I suggested various compromises, but he wanted one teacher rather than two.

It was a hard decision, but ultimately, I chose to step away. The school is twenty miles away, and I felt it would be a lot for me to create new lessons, drive to school, set up, teach for two hours, clean up, and repeat the next day. My youngest just started a new school and isn’t old enough to drive, so the school pick up time would conflict with my teaching after school. It’s just a different schedule than what worked so well for my family, and so I am stepping back. I will miss my students so much, but I will keep in touch with some of the families. I hope the kids will remember me and know that their teacher cared.

I liked being part of a team of teachers, working together toward a common goal. Earlier in my career, I painted murals, usually alone. While I like solitude, one needs balance. It felt so good to be part of a group, to make a difference with kids.

When you are a teacher, especially of little kids, you become part of their world. It’s a sacred bond. In addition to creating art projects, I put Band-Aids on ouchies. I comforted crying kids who felt left out. I gave teenagers life advice about believing in themselves. It was so much more than a job. So, I am mourning this loss. Each day I feel both happy and sad emotions. My family and friends have made sure I laugh each day, but it’s a struggle to make sense of all this. I’m choosing to write about this here on my blog because we bond when we share our true feelings, when someone tells us their stories. I’m not looking for pity, but I’m also not ashamed to admit how hard this loss is. 

Obviously, there are much bigger problems in the world than where I work. I’m lucky that I have a choice about where I work, because many people do not. But when you give your heart to your job and your students, and when that changes without warning, it’s difficult to accept.

My current plan is to work another part-time job, but not in a classroom. Because I have a degree in art but not a teaching credential, it limits where I can teach. I’m not ready to start teaching somewhere new, because I’m still mourning the loss of this position, and I miss these kids. But in the future, I may be back in the classroom again and blogging about kids’ art. I have a few ideas about what’s next, but I want to make a thoughtful choice, not a quick decision, so I’m mulling things over first…

I had two special moments recently, when I was plein air painting around town. A little girl came up to me with her mom and I explained to her what I was doing. She was too shy to talk to me, but I enjoyed our time together. Here is the Craftsman house I was painting. 

I told her I thought the house looked like it was hidden behind trees and that it reminded me of a fairy tale because the house felt mysterious, like a secret. Later, once she was home, across the street, she waved at me from her living room window, again and again.

A few days later, two young boys and their dad walked by my easel. I was midway through painting a yucca tree. I liked the contrast between the pure white of the yucca flowers and the crisscrossing of the dark power lines.

Upon seeing my canvas, the older one smiled and said, “Oh, it’s the same tree right there!” It boosted me to talk with them. These moments reinforced how much I love being around kids.

This blog will continue, as I post about my own art adventures, doing plein air painting around San Diego. I want to do more public art, so there may be posts about that, too. There are still stories to tell and color to bring to the world, even if student art will not be the focus for now.

Here are a few photos of what I’ve been up to this summer. My summer took an unexpected turn, but I tried to find happiness each day, watching sunsets, painting outdoors, and walking in nature.

1970s Schwinn Stingray Fastback

Painter's Point, La Jolla, CA

The Rady Shell at Jacob's Park, downtown San Diego

Thank you for reading and for your positive feedback all these years, as I took my first tentative steps as a teacher and grew to love what I did. You’ll see me here again before too long, bringing stories of art and creativity. Until then, thanks for being here. Be safe and find some joy.

 

Meet Me at the Fair!

Hello, and welcome back to my blog. It’s been a few months since I last posted, because life got busier than ever. However, the school year is over and I’m coming up for air.

Before I show some amazing student art, I’m happy to share that I have a painting in the fine art exhibit at the San Diego County Fair. If you are at the fair in the next few weeks, here is what my painting looks like: 

"Fins," 1959 Cadillac, acrylic on panel

It’s an honor to be included and I’m in awe of how much variety this exhibit has.

Besides doing some of my own art, I spent the last few months wrapping up the school year with my students (Kindergarten through 8^th grade). We had an art show in May, and I will include some photos from that. With no further ado, here is art from my talented students.

Kindergarten: beach balls and robots.

First grade: frog tessellations and flowers.

Second grade: beach balls and robots. 

(Apologies for the fuzzy photo.)

Third grade: robots and sunflowers.

Fourth grade: Tessellated cube art, robots and circle art inspired by Yayoi Kusama.

Kusama is a 95-year-old Japanese artist, and she still makes art! She loves circles, dots and pumpkins, so you see those motifs in her art again and again. Here is an example:

Fifth grade: robots and three-dimensional buildings inspired by Ana Serrano.

Sixth grade: topiary drawings, Serrano buildings, black cardstock records and 3-D cars.

The records project is one I created because vinyl records are a wonderful piece of history (and far from extinct!). I still have some records from the collection I started as a teen. These were made with cardstock, and they are the same size as vinyl records. I taught the kids how to draw bright highlights on the records because vinyl is highly reflective.

Seventh grade: Kusama pumpkin and dot art, paper records and 3-D cars.

I got so excited by the record art that I decided to make a big 2-D jukebox out of cardboard to go with the records at the art show. There is a photo of me with it at the end, for scale. It was fun to paint!

Eighth grade: Kusama circle and dot art, Serrano buildings, topiary art and optical illusions.

My eighth graders just graduated, and it was bittersweet. It is time for them to leave the art room nest, and they are ready for the next step, but I will miss them.

That wraps up another year in the art room for these energetic kiddos and me. I have to be honest: I do need a break. There are naps, painting and reading in my immediate future. I will sign off with a sweet drawing of me that one of my fourth-grade students recently made. There are moments when teaching is hard, but luckily, there are many moments when these kids climb inside my heart, and I feel so lucky to be able to teach them something I love.