Yesterday was a day of disbelief in San Diego. A hero fell
and the sound echoed throughout the county.
I’ve never been a big sports fan, but I’m a little bit
interested in almost everything, sports included. I’d heard of Junior Seau, and
I’d been to his restaurant once. While I was not an ardent fan the way some San
Diegans are, with yesterday’s news of his suicide, I felt sad.
The tv stations covered it for hours. Hundreds of fans
gathered outside his home, some in jerseys, some with flowers. One person
carved the shape of a cross in the sand nearby.
I’m not even sure what I want to write, exactly. There is a lot
of speculation about why this happened, but I don’t feel like part of that
group. Some people can’t understand why someone rich and famous would not have
enough to live for. I say that if he had depression, that’s not something that
wealth or fame prevents. If you have it, you don’t reason it away by counting
your gold coins.
Who knows whether he suffered concussions as an NFL player,
which may have led to brain injury and depression? Or if he had depression,
perhaps it was unrelated to football tackles and head injury.
My point is this: even those idolized by society are human,
susceptible to a universe of feelings (both good and bad) that are part of the
human experience. Maybe the higher your highs are, the lower your lows may be.
The kind of success famous athletes have—is it a high they still crave but
can’t find, years after retirement? Perhaps it’s harder to find happiness with
the small things in life when your career was about big things—breaking
records, winning bowl games, doing the nearly impossible.
Heroes are human. But does our society not condone human
vulnerability from people so much larger than life? Men are raised not to
express emotions the way women do and perhaps our societal expectation is that
the tougher and bigger you are, the more you must project emotional strength.
And that’s not right. Everyone feels vulnerable at times, and should not be looked
down upon for experiencing a range of human emotion. Did Seau not feel he could
get off that pedestal and be human? We may never know.
Suicide makes most of us at least somewhat uncomfortable.
It’s very sad when someone dies in a car crash or of an accidental overdose or
a terminal illness. But with those kinds of death, those left behind can be
angry at a disease, or at an addiction. When suicide is the cause of death, we
are confronted with the additional element of trying to accept/ understand someone’s
decision to end his or her own life.
I never knew this man. I don’t claim to know what he dealt
with, but I feel entitled to my view as someone also dealing with life. Life is
complex and sometimes really frustrating, and this is true for you, for me, and
for famous people, too. I often forget that, or focus too much on others’
success and assume they don’t struggle. As one friend of a friend put it so
eloquently, I compare the best of someone else to the worst of myself. Seau has
reminded us that every human faces challenges. Perhaps it’s part of the human
experience to want someone to idolize. Do people need heroes, those who inspire
us to be the best we can be? But do we inadvertently expect them not to be
human as well?
These days there have been a lot of drug overdoses in the
news, especially by famous people. We can be mad at an addiction or chalk it up
to an accidental overdose of prescribed medicine. With unwanted or accidental
deaths we don’t have to try to understand a person’s desperation. That’s hard
for many people to understand.
One reason yesterday’s news was upsetting is because I
really feel part of my adopted home-town. Although I didn’t spend my childhood
here, I’ve spent the second half of my life here, and I love this county. I
feel so much a part of it. When something tragic happens here, I mourn for our
county, even if it doesn’t affect my daily life. The wild fires that seem to
plague us every few years—they affect our county, our people, and I mourn with
them. When yesterday’s news hit, I felt sad for the people of this county, who
feel the loss of their hero. It wasn’t
just about sports records, either. Seau raised millions of dollars for
underprivileged kids, and he gave back to the community where he had grown up.
That kind of impact is felt throughout a county.
For me, yesterday started like a lot of other days. Two
things were a little different. I knew it was an old friend’s fortieth
birthday. She and I parted ways a few years back. But when you’ve been friends
with someone that long you don’t forget her birthday. We reached an impasse and
could not figure out a way to continue the friendship. Sometimes I’ve felt mad
about it, but I dream about her at times and in my dreams there’s a lot of
harmony. There’s some nostalgia there. I thought a lot about her in the last
week, knowing yesterday was her milestone, but not one in which I’d partake.
Yesterday was also the day my next-door neighbor was having two big pepper
trees taken out of her yard. They are right over our mutual fence line, and I
had mixed feelings about seeing them go. They put up shoots in our yard, and
they were raising her driveway, so to an extent I understand her choice. She
plans to put in fruit trees and so there will be new life, new color, and a new
look around here. Change can be good. But it takes some getting used-to. I
liked those trees. Our front and back yards look very different with those
trees gone. I felt the loss as soon as the chain saws started up yesterday
morning.
Losing trees isn’t as traumatic as losing a parent or a
child—not even close. I don’t mean to suggest that. I feel for his kids and
family. I hope they’ll find a degree of peace someday. The only reason to
mention the trees in this article is because the timing caught my attention.
Yesterday there were three losses on my mind. Not all equal, but felt on the
same day. There are all kinds of losses in life. Loss of a friendship. Loss of
a tree you liked. Loss of a public figure, and for some, loss of a family
member or friend. We can’t avoid loss or change. It’s not easy to accept, and
we need to acknowledge it. For some, that means bringing flowers to leave
outside their idol’s house. For me, my dream life is where my brain tries to
reconcile the end of a 21-year friendship. I hope she had a great birthday.
Other trees will grow next door. Other friendships will
form. Other public figures will inspire admiration in their fans. But you can’t
replace a family member.
Maybe there will be more talk about suicide prevention in
the wake of this tragedy. Maybe people will come together in unexpected ways.
It’s too soon to say. This San Diegan is still in shock and taking to her blog
to try to sift through thoughts and emotions. This was a much-needed reminder
for me that others struggle, too. I need to keep making a point to reach out to
those who live alone or feel alone, even if they share their home with someone.
We aren’t alone. Humans aren’t meant to be like planets, orbiting one another
without joining. We need others. All of us do.
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