A Funny Thing Happened on the way to the Bathroom

I’m supposed to be brushing my teeth. I came into this room (not the bathroom) for one second to check one teeny little thing online, and I’ve been here for at least twenty minutes, Googling semi-random stuff and promising myself that I will get up and brush any second.

After all, teeth are important. I’m past the stage of losing baby teeth so this set of teeth is the only one I’m going to get. Dinner is over and I really should brush.

But here’s the thing. The Internet has so many answers to my questions, and I’m a person with a lot of questions. So I get lost online at least once a day (usually more often than that). It’s so satisfying to type in a question and get answers! And then I get a little distracted because there are bold-faced phrases within the answers—and they beckon to me. They know that I can be tempted with the promise of answers to questions I didn’t even know I had. They’ve got me, these Internet people. And they know it.

Is there a patch for excessive Internet use? I think there should be. Smokers cut down by using a patch. But what about us Internet Researchers? (Yes, that is a title I’ve created myself, and yes, it does warrant capitalization. It’s very official, my research, and it deserves a fancy, capitalized title.) We Internet Researchers might be a little addicted to this endless buffet of information. I’m not saying the appreciation is at a catastrophe level, but should it become a full-on addiction, could we just get a patch? Please? We have cars that can be driven by remote. Smart phones can turn our lights on when we’re 2,000 miles away. If we can make this kind of magic, can’t we create an Internet Patch? And by “we” I mean “not me.” I am not a scientist. But you are. Or your neighbor is. Could you speak to your neighbor about this? I’d really appreciate it.

Now, where was I? Oh, teeth. But that can wait. Because I’ve been having a mind-blowing experience finding humor writers online. There’s so much good stuff to read! So little time! Is the library still open? Probably not, since it’s 8pm. (I LOVE libraries. We need 24-hour libraries here. Anyone? Anyone? Hook me up, please.)

Last night I went to a comedy show, in which a friend was performing. It was great fun. I laughed really loudly. A lot. Such therapy! Today I checked out a book from the library, a humorous memoir. I’ve been typing up notes for future funny blog posts and costumes. It’s safe to say that this weekend comedy is on my mind. Should I write more humorous accounts of this life I live—my own personal mish-mash of parenting, art, womanhood and life in the 21^st century? I love reading about the crazy moments in other people’s lives. It feels so good to laugh about relatable moments, especially those that involve the three-ring circus of parenting, since I’m in the midst of it right this minute.

Anybody out there interested in hearing more about the back-stage mayhem of my life? The bead of sweat rolling down my back earlier today, when it was 90 degrees? The crabbiness of my youngest child, who isn’t used to 90 degrees and whose reintroduction to school has been a little dramatic? Would you like to know about an ant situation we have here at home? Or how I became the spider remover and cricket whisperer this summer? We could laugh about how tricky it is to find (semi-)matching socks for my kids each morning. Or why I struggle with the alarm clock during the school week and woke up at 6:30 this morning (Saturday), unable to get back to sleep? #irony.  How about our adventures with mouse traps? Refrigerator science projects? Mysteriously disappearing library books? Chores, ignored? Dust. Blogs. Neighbors. Laughs. How to pretend you’ve cooked a full meal but with waaaay less work. Friendship. Kids and their bickering. Kids and their messes. Kids who claim to be bored. The school parking lot, an asphalt-covered pit of quicksand from which you may never escape. Chocolate. Dental drama. Delaying aging by sleeping upside down, like a bat (after all, they age gracefully, as I’m sure you’ve noticed). Selphies. Laundry. Jealousy over people I Googled who seem to have fabulous lives with less complication than mine. Good tv shows. Lame tv. (I could go on, but I really should brush my teeth.)

So! I have a few blog posts to write, I think. But not tonight. You’ve kept me from my teeth-brushing far too long and I need to go take care of these chompers. But I’ll be back another time soon, with more true tales from my life of shenanigans. Til then: good night from my computer to yours. Sign me Sweaty in San Diego.