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Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Spring Breaking Point

Spring Break is coming. Thank Heavens. I don’t know if the kids need a break from school, but the parents sure do. At least this parent does. I’ve whipped up a questionnaire that will help you determine how desperate you are for vacation. Give yourself 1 point for every answer of “yes.”

1.       I sometimes put lunchboxes in the wrong kid’s backpack.

2.       I wonder why I’m still packing a 20-year-old’s lunch box. (Just kidding. My kids are much younger. It only feels like I’ve been packing lunches for 2 decades.)

3.       I spend more time doing dishes each day than the total time I spend on self-grooming each week.

4.       I’m distracted and accidentally put my kids’ Sponge Bob toothpaste on my brush, but use it anyway.

5.       I spend more time with the washer & dryer than I do with my significant other.

6.       I’ve made dinner that included bugs on a log as a side dish.

7.       I have to double-check that I’ve grabbed my own kids in the school parking lot.

8.       I can’t go to the bathroom by myself because at least one child follows me in to talk.

9.       I can’t have a bath without a young child coming in and yelling “out!”

10.    Someone at the park asked me if my kids were my grandkids (I wish I were making this up!).

11.    Socks need not match. If I can find two socks that fit the feet in question, it’s a victory.

12.    I haven’t been in a movie theater in five years.

13.    I plan to wash my car the next time nature supplies rain.

14.    Even on a good day I look like the “before makeover” photo.

15.    I embrace the motto “Messy is the new clean.”

16.    I embrace the motto “Haggard is the new hot.”

17.    I consider defending my wrinkled outfit with this phrase: it’s lived-in chic (and slept-in).

18.    I no longer see them as stains but as intentionally-placed accent marks.

19.    I no longer must apply mascara before leaving the house. I simply must have pants on.

20.    My boobs have fallen so low people mistake them for a baby bump.

If you answered “yes” to fewer than 8 questions, you are reasonably balanced and not in desperate need of Spring Break. Congratulations! And please stop reading this blog as you are super-human and cannot relate to my wacky life.

If you answered “yes” to 9-13 questions, you are in the danger zone for burn-out. Cancel all appointments this week and soak in the tub while no one is home to interrupt you. Remember to breathe and to say “no” to requests from school for volunteers.

If you answered “yes” to 14 or more questions, welcome to my club! We are W.O.Ms. Worn-out-moms. We need Spring Break STAT! A drip-feed of Gatorade is recommended. We require a shot of adrenaline and a transfusion is not out of the question. Now go hide from your kids and put your feet up for five minutes before they find you—doctor’s orders!







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