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Tuesday, February 25, 2014

The Hitchhiker

The spider came out of nowhere.

Well, it must have hitched a ride on something, but it seemed like it came out of nowhere. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something moving toward the collar of my shirt. Within a fraction of a second, I’d swiped at it. I’m not a spider-killer (unless they are black widows) but my swipe was intended to get that thing off of me RIGHT NOW!

Unfortunately, my shaking the intruder off my shirt sent him careening down. Into my purse. Are you kidding me, universe? That’s even creepier than having him on my shirt!

Within a minute I’d dumped the contents of my purse onto the countertop. These things often seem to happen when I’m not at home, so the whole thing transpired in a bathroom that wasn’t even mine! I cautiously pawed through the substantial contents of my purse. I’d just cleaned it out a few days before but honestly, this means nothing. I usually have tons of things in my purse and today was no exception.

Obviously, keeping the little critter in my purse was inconceivable. Imagine the freak-out I’d have if I forgot about the spider hiding in my purse (and the likelihood that I might forget is at least 95%). Can’t you just see me reaching into my purse and bringing out my Chapstick, which happened to have a spider on the top, like the cherry on a very creepy sundae? They would hear my shriek for miles. No, I was not taking that chance. So I’d upended my purse and was trying to find that rascally spider. Would he have dared try to hide in my wallet? Could he be in a discarded gum wrapper? I looked and looked. Believe it or not, I did not find the trespasser. So I did what anyone would do—I wrapped up the contents of my purse in a paper towel and brought my empty purse with me. I wasn’t taking the chance that I’d reload my purse and then forget about the fugitive hiding amid all my stuff.

So the mystery is unsolved. Could he have fallen off my shirt and onto the floor, which was the same color as his body? Maybe. But as a precaution I gave my shirt some rigorous shakes, lest he somehow was still on or (gasp) in it.   

These things seem to happen to me a lot. I seem to attract strange coincidences. I get myself into weird predicaments more than the average person does. Not just anybody can trap herself in a seatbelt as she tries to enter it from the foot area of the car. No one else I know has gotten her earring caught on a clipboard. I hit door frames constantly and trip over my own shadow. It’s not that I’m a klutz, I explain to my hubby. It’s that I’m moving fast and I don’t have patience for the slow lane. I want to get things done! I’m not a crazy driver but I live other parts of my life like I’m at the Indy 500. It’s fast-forward, and zero to sixty in 3.5 seconds. Who has time to go slowly? Not me! So if I bang my shoulders on doorframes multiple times a week it’s because I am in fifth gear, all the time. Pit stop? No time! Now where was I? Oh yes, spiders. I’m not sure what spiders have to do with my accident-prone ways but somehow they are related. Maybe the spider hitched a ride on me because he could see that I move fast and he wanted the express train to his next stop. We all should keep our eyes open for spider surprises, now that it’s almost Spring, the season when flowers are blooming and spiders are hatching. (Shudder.) I didn’t want to spook you with spider stories but having survived this spider shock (much scarier than sticker shock), I feel it’s my responsibility to notify you about the escapee. He is not dangerous but he does enjoy startling people. You have been warned.

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