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Friday, August 30, 2013

Privacy, Please

I dig HGTV. (Home and Garden Television, for those not obsessed with DIY projects and making things, as I am.) I could do a long post just on HGTV and the ideas it has given me. But I’ll save that for another time. Today I’m going to share with you the secrets to creating a memorable master suite.

“Master suite” is such a funny phrase. I almost laughed just typing it. It sounds upper crust, and I’m so not. But the phrase popped into my mind a minute ago when I was in my bathroom, looking at my bedroom.

What should a grown up’s bedroom be about? It depends on the individual, of course. There are people who don’t allow their kids into their bedroom. They want clear boundaries around where their kids can and can’t go and what they can do. For me, that rule is a bit much. I think kids should feel at home in their own house, not like guests who need special access cards to get to elite floors of hotels. But then again, there are times when I wonder if I should have been a little firmer about rules. We’re quite flexible around here, and that does have its downside. But back to bedrooms. Here are my tips for creating a memorable master suite:

1)      Buy a 1950s house that predates the 21st-century trend of homes with master bedroom wings.

2)      In the bedroom, figure out which wall the bed will fit on. (Not where it fits best. That would imply that there are options. Find the only wall where the bed will fit.)

3)      Do not think of your bedroom as small. It is cozy.

4)      Place on the bedroom floor a giant, self-regenerating laundry pile (yes, it’s clean—by most people’s standards!). Intend to sort the laundry. Become very busy with other things.

5)      Have three children. Watch as the clean laundry pile grows, right before your very eyes.

6)      Allow the kids to lie on the hill of laundry, which will help to disperse it into a field of laundry.

7)      When company comes over and you need to get tons of toys out of the living area, find boxes and put toys and nomadic items of clothing into the boxes, and place them in your master bed room to be sorted later.

8)      Become very flexible as to when “later” is.

9)      Pile several boxes of toys in a tower on the dresser. (It’s that thing hiding behind the laundry mountain.)

10)   Do not panic if you hear a crash from the vicinity of your bedroom. It’s just the pile of boxes finally toppling over, and scattering its contents like confetti all over the floor. Hooray.

11)   Become accustomed to thinking of the stuff that fell on the floor (playing cards, Legos, unpaired socks, toys and pens) as artfully placed d├ęcor.

12)   Give away the arm chair that lived in the corner for years. You never sat on it and it just took up space. Congratulate yourself on trying to be a clutter buster.

13)   Marvel that even without the chair in the corner, there is still no extra space in the room. Conclude that the other stuff must have multiplied once the chair gave up the extra space.

14)   Decide to put Pergo flooring in two rooms of the house. While you’re removing the old carpet from the other bedrooms, stash the boxes of Pergo in the master bed room under your bed. After all, it is available space. The added bonus is that with the Pergo under the bed, there is less of a chance that this space will be the holding area for socks, toys, books, and shoes.  

15)   When tv shows talk about creating a master suite that is a haven for tired grownups, laugh uproariously at the notion of private, soothing space free of toys. Throw a dirty sock at the tv.

16)   Redefine what you expect of your master suite. Refer to it as your master “sweat,” a place where your work up a lot of perspiration just trying to find the floor.

As much as I laugh/whimper about our bedroom looking like a swap meet, I do like that our house is a place where we are free to be ourselves. There are no military corners. There are pillow fights and a lot of laughs.

As I promised to do, I’ve shared the steps to creating a highly memorable master suite. You can’t get the Lego-strewn image out of your mind, can you?! Now that’s what I call memorable.

Is it a retreat? No.

Is it a sanctuary? Are you insane?

Privacy? Please!

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